"How are you feeling?"

As the time for me to come home and have surgery, gets closer, I get the question I love so (which always comes from the people who love me dearly so I know it is genuine)... "How are you feeling?". And honestly, at this moment, I am feeling great! My sub who is taking over my class is amazing and overly anal just like me, my TAs are awesome, I have all my plans set up, my kids are being sweet, my parents in my class are supportive... things are coming together and I feel I can breathe again.  I am spending a lot of time with my friends and making fun memories. I am making the most of my time here.

But to be honest, I am only thinking about what is going on here, in Tunisia. I am not thinking past here. And I don't want to go home. Now listen before you start to take things personally. It is not that I don't want to squeeze and laugh with my family or babysit my loves or spend time with my friends or go to TARGET. I want to do all of those things! But on Friday, I am not flying home to see my family, babysitting kids, friends, or to even go to Target. I am coming home to have my 3rd open heart surgery and I don't want it. I don't want to have my breast bone cracked open. I don't want to decide whether to have a mechanical valve or animal valve. I don't want to do this!

But please know I am holding on to the fun things I will get to do while I am home. I get to spend lots of time with my family. I get to babysit my sweets who are growing up right before my eyes. I get to go to the WLE Christmas party. I get to spend time with my friends. I get to go to Target, Goodberry's, Mellow Mushroom, Sheetz and eat Mexican food.  I get to go to the Outer Banks with my mom and paint our monograms with my mom and best friend. I get to feel unconditional love from my parents as they deal with me as I recover from a huge blow to my body. I get embraces (not just hugs, embraces) as much as I want. And I am looking forward to that so much! But I am scared... scared to leave my friends and family in Tunis, scared to leave my students and their parents, scared to have my heart stopped during surgery.

But I have to trust more than anything that God is in control. Always. Forever. No matter what.

So that in a nutshell is how I am feeling. ;)